THE LIST.... 1/12/11

Since the last posting I have learned many things. The web-site TFM comes to mind, and I finished my degree…….. Let’s play catch-up ball.

The List…… yo.

1. The top spot goes to the top team this week. Hail to the champs….. that is all! War Eagle!

2. What is the deal with all these people growing beards? I don’t really understand the whole beard deal. Is it a conversation starter? I personally believe it is a conversation ender. That beard is going to end a conversation with the girl you want to talk to before it even begins….. Oh and you look stupid. Shave.

3. I love people watching with a passion. I was at a gas station recently and this large black man was jamming out while he pumped gas. The song blaring from his truck sounded like some sort of old school tune and it kept saying “Are you lonesome….. Do ya want some?”. So while this guy jams to some baby making tune outside…. I stroll in to get a Dr. Pepper. This woman in front of me is so out of her mind on pain meds… she doesn’t realize the lady speaking to her is her boss from work. It was really just an odd night at the gas station. It had all three phases…. sex, drugs and rock-n-roll.

4. Power bracelets…. Not only do they improve your balance, but they can also cure cancer. That’s only the beginning…. If you’re about to get a speeding ticket then be sure and flash that power bracelet and the cops will quickly leave you alone. If you are poor…. Power bracelet will give you money. If you’re hungry…. Power bracelet will feed you. Power bracelet….. America’s new backbone.

5. Awkward sidewalk moments anger me…… I could be in a great mood and then come up on the person who doesn’t know that you should always move right when approaching head on traffic. They play the “let’s dance and then laugh about it game” with you….. But in all seriousness there is nothing funny about this. I’m not laughing….. because your inability to make a decision just really pissed me off.

6. Recently saw something about where the Kardashians are pairing up with Sears….. Im sorry wha??? Sears? Who even shops at Sears? The Sears in my home town is in a building downtown that Moses molded from clay. It’s old and looks pretty sad. I’m not knocking on Sears or anyone who shops there…. But I’m pretty sure the Kardashians can’t spell it correctly and have probably never been to one either. Sears is unattractive…. The Kardashians should stick to shacking with athletes since every team they touch turns to gold. Saints, Lakers..... When can the Braves get some lovin?

7. Wikipedia will be celebrating a birthday this weekend….. at least that’s what sources say about the web-site that has no real information. Anyone can upload information about anything on Wikipedia…. And maybe it’s just turning eight this year instead of 10…. But nobody really knows because Alan from The Hangover changed Wikipedia’s birthday.

8. Anybody see Cam Newton on Jay Leno the other night? I know nobody watches Leno anymore…. But I tuned in to see Cam Newton. Leno asked Newton…. “Since you won the BCS Title… Ya gonna get rid of that lame ass scooter?” Since when can Jay Leno refer to anything besides his own show as “lame ass”? The jokes are terrible…. Headlines is okay….. But that’s all submitted by other people. Leno sucks.

9. Hey you….. yeah the girl who is always blowing up Twitter talking about garbage. Nobody really cares what you are doing. According to Twitter…. I’m not even following this person, yet every time she makes a sandwich or goes to the gym to run for three minutes and quits…. Guess who gets to see it on the feed? Twitter should be a place for humor and useful posts only. If you’re telling me that you are “sooooo mad b/c you can’t find a parking spot”…… then I have some advice. GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND DRIVE!

10. Did Britney Spears die or something….. haven’t heard anything from her in a while.

The List.... 7/25/2010

Welcome back friends..... The picture above is of my dog Willy B. The "B" is for Beauxjangles signifying his Cajun roots. He loves to party, and last week was his birthday so if you get a shot....... Add him on Facebook. Search up Willy B. Stanfield and tell him to have a Happy 4th.... 4th birthday that is!

Let's get this party started....
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1.) The oil leak was plugged up last week bringing relief to thousands in the Gulf Region. You know they always say that the news doesn't accurately report things like they should. Such is the case here as well. You all think that BP devised something out a coat hanger and a carboard box to stop the oil. Wrong. Here's the truth..... Nick Saban swam down to the depths below and plugged the hole with his championship ring. He is of course the new "Chuck Norris".
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2.) Have you seen the show 16 & Pregnant on MTV? If you have not I suggest you program the DVR, and be sure to watch just one episode of this show. Only one though... Wouldn't want you to get hooked. It's almost like a drug for some. Anyways..... This show is a grand display of white trash raising children. It really makes me sad, but what I would like to know is why these people act the way they do. It is very possible to become pregnant at a young age and still act like a classy human being. The episode I recently saw was a girl walking through the grocery store complaining about how much money she doesn't have to spend on anything.... much less a child. Then she dropped the bomb shell...... She thought she was pregnant again! Turns out she wasn't. I have some advice for her and others on that show though..... If you don't have money to raise children, and you can barely spend a dime on the one you have then you should STOP HAVING SEX! Life would be a lot better for these people if they would quit laying around smacking on Oreos and get up to go find a job.
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3.) To those of you who feel you must drop atom bombs in public restrooms..... I would like for you to know that other people use those bathrooms as well. There is one particular bathroom that I frequent during the week, and there must be some sort of hidden sign in there that says "Go ahead and blow this one up guys!". It's getting ridiculous..... I don't even go in there to use the restroom that often, but I am a nut about washing my hands. It makes me angry when I have to hold my breath to wash my hands in order to keep from vommiting the meals I ate for the last three weeks. By the way... I'm sure these deadly scents can cause cancer. Ya gotta Febreze it friends.... Seriously.
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4.) Don't get offended when I don't ask about your significant other in conversation. I'm "that guy" who always asks about the significant other in a relationship who is not present. Yeah it usually turns out that they cheated or something dirty a long time ago, and I never heard the news..... or cared either. I was just really making small talk..... Which I also hate as well. Check out the show "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and listen to Larry David talk about "stop-and-chats". It's the pointless conversation you have with about 5-10 people a day who really don't care anything about what your doing, but they do stop and talk to you because they might need you one day.

Which leads to the next point.....
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5.) When someone says hello...... Say it back. If you don't then Hitler will save you a seat in a warm place below. Thanks.

PS...... This doesn't mean a "stop-and-chat" will occur. A friendly hello and no slowing of the walking pace will avoid this in 90% of cases.
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6.) If I could start a bonfire and burn things or trends that would never come back to this planet...... Well there's about 15,000 lists for that. One thing for certain though would be Ed Hardy gear. That stuff's gotta go.... at least if you're a man. Women can have it, but men not so much. You look real cool with your fire-breathing dragon on your tee. Real. Cool. Nobody is taking you serious.... no matter how much you blow off your girlfriend to go to the gym and get steroid ripped....... Because you have a dragon on you shirt.
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7.) Here is my favorite headline of the week courtesy of The Wall Street Journal......

"Joe Biden, Underpants Gnome

Voters are ignorant, he suggests. But don't worry, they'll learn somehow!"

Let's all imagine now.... He obviously did something stupid to deserve this headline. One will never read in the newspaper.... "George Washington, Underpants Gnome". Not never, ever. Just thought I would share that with you , and the campaign for "Beer with Biden" continues. Everything Biden says to me when we do have that beer will be completely off the record, but I do want to see what he really feels like ripping out of his mouth sometimes. That would be pretty funny I must say. Get the wheels turning on this friends.
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8.) The movie "Inception" is dominating the box office right now. It looks like a great movie, and I do wish to go watch it soon. Here's what gets me though..... Some guy sat around and couldn't think of a legit plot to a movie without it not making any sense. He had to have said to himself at one point "It should just all be a dream. Then I could get away with putting anything in there". You know that happened..... But if it didn't then I really wish it did. I'm going to see it soon.... But I am amazed at how much money I myself put into watching someone's LSD fantasy on a big screen.
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9.) Got an e-mail recently about school uniforms. It was a conversation listed out between a crew of high-schoolers talking about uniforms. It was a pretty funny conversation about how school systems come up with the most B.S. garbage ever to get this stuff to pass. "School uniforms will bring higher test scores" and "School uniforms will stop the gang violence" or "School uniforms will promote equality among students". Here's the real reason that they are passing school uniform rules..... So you and the male teachers you have will quit looking at Lucy "I dress like a whore for high school" Jones or whoever and maybe pay attention. They need uniforms in college too.... but not for the same reason. If people in college had to wear uniforms then they probably wouldn't go to class in the trash bag tee-shirt and pajama pants they slept in.... It would also eliminate all that Ed Hardy garbage as well..... And yes the show "16 & Pregnant" would probably have less contestants because Lucy "I dress like a whore for high school" Jones isn't enticing you anymore. Not many chicks can pull off the uniform look.... And that could be a good thing for society.
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10.) I cannot wait for the day that I don't have to shop at Wal*Mart anymore. Death, Taxes and Wal*Mart is how the saying goes I do believe. You can't avoid that place.... especially where I live because it is all we have in this town. Wal*Mart doesn't care about you or what you think no matter how many times they print out the receipt survey and ask you take it for them. You're not going to win $1,000 either.... The survey is a lie. When you go in there and look at 49 check out aisles that are closed and the (1) one that is open, I hope it angers you as much as me. I have tried to become more of a patient man in all factors of my life recently, but I go purchase goods from Satan's outlet.... Wal*Mart.... and all of my good boy points go out the window because that place makes me violent. Avoid Wal*Mart like the plague friends.... It's bad for your health and happiness. Now Sam's Club..... different story. I love that place with all fibers of my being. It's the same company too. They put you through all the garbage at Wal*Mart to see how far we will let them push us around. We citizens of America..... are merely Wal*Mart's test rats for new ideas on how to get rich off of America's poor.
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That's all I've got for ya this week. This list was different from the last, but remember that no two are alike as well. We'll see what catches my eye this week, and you'll hear about it the next.

E-mail your thoughts as well..... listthis@aol.com.

Have a great week.... Pass it on to friends.
See ya soon.

-BS

The List.... 7/17/2010

I just recently watched American Gangster starring my favorite actor Denzel..... And now it is time for a brand new list.

In honor of Denzel...... or "Frank Lucas" as he portrays in the movie...... This one is for "the boss".

So getting down to business on a not so humorous note for starters......

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1. "The Boss" died earlier this week. The man to the left was one of baseball's most historic figures. George Steinbrenner was the proud owner of the New York Yankees.... And like that pushy dad at the ballpark that wouldn't speak to his kids if they struck out.... Ths guy would be damned if he was going to let a pile of losers wear pinstripes. So in the American spirit of success.... He bought them. We could all only dream of having a wallet as fat as his, and that dominated the headlines all day when he passed. This man had characer issues at one point in his life, and it seemed as if the only thing ESPN could say about him was that he had an ego and power-tripped like no other. I see it this way.... He had his downsides, but he took care of the things that meant most to him. I hope he and the Lord above are watching baseball together now.

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2. Saw Jimmy Buffet last weekend. Excellent show, however I feel like many of the people attending firmly believed it was a "Roll Tide" convention. Well friends, your "Roll Tide" ain't cleaning out that gulf. Keep your mouth pollution to yourself..... And buy a shirt with some sleeves. Thanks.

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3. The Braves traded Yunel Escobar to Toronto this week. I would also like to extend a special thanks for that as well. We both have the same amount of homers this season.

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4. If you happened to catch the MLB All*Star game this week.... Or maybe you have just seen this commercial elsewhere... I hope you now hate this brand as much a I do. Sharp TVs poisoned the All*Star game with the same commercial that aired about 75,000 times. The man from the far East kept telling me during the game that my yellow wasn't as yellow as his yellow. When is yellow not yellow? When is yellow truly yellow? I have a colorblind friend that has significant trouble seeing yellow. I make fun of him often, and someday it is certain to catch up to me. Let's say though.... Hypothetically if my color blind friend buys this TV for it's outstanding yellow that is greater than average yellow... Is he going to be satisfied? Would I even be satisfied? Well one thing is for sure.... I would probably enjoy the yellow more than my colorblind friend. The difference between the two of us though is I can't afford the TV, and my friend who can won't notice the difference. Good luck selling those Sharp.... You won't be selling many in my circle though!

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5. The best crack of the week came from Seth Meyers who hosted the ESPYs on Wednesday. Meyers.... the Saturday Night Live star.... in his monologue stated that LA was where sports and entertainment come together. "It's like a Kardashian sisters bedroom," he quickly threw in after. Thanks to the wonderful ESPN production crew for immediately getting a shot of Reggie Bush's face as well. It was priceless. The Lakers and Saints both won a title this year though..... and both teams had a Kardashian in the sack. Hmmmmm... The Cleveland Cavaliers should give them a call. Maybe Mel Gibson should hook up with one too..... If a Kardashian can fuel a championship for the Saints then repairing his image won't be too hard either. Well..... maybe.

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6. Mel Gibson...... What in the world? What happened to the caring Mel that starred in Ransom..... or should I even bring up the Mel that directed Passion of The Christ? Well Mel, I would like a refund on that $7.75. The Mel we all knew and loved was a front, and at home he was throwing UFC beatdowns on women holding babies. Way to go Mel.... Way to go. I honestly didn't think Tom Cruise left any room in the deep end of space for any more lunatics. Apparently Mel was determined and found a way though.... just like when he got his son back in Ransom. Ransom is another favorite of mine in the movie department. The kid probably had it better being tied up and held for money though than being at home with "Mel"tdown Gibson.

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7. The oil leak was stopped yesterday. I'm really happy about this, but what makes me more excited is to hear the next stupid remark that our vice president will make. I could grab a bag of popcorn and sit on the sofa to watch Joe Biden make stupid comments all day long. I'm hard on everybody though when it comes to public speaking so don't get offended donkeys. Bush's vocabulary sucked more than LeBron's attitude. Sarah Palin's not off the hook either. The vice presidential debate a few years back was one of the funniest things I had ever seen in my life. I would like to have a beer with Biden though.... I see the things he says in front of a camera. I can only imagine what flies out behind closed doors. By the way... This officially begins my "Beer with Biden" campaign. If any of the eight of you who read this can make that happen for me then I will truly be indebted.

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8. I managed to coin a new term this week. I decided with the help of a friend that the new term for a lesbian cougar is now "Falcon". Why falcon you ask? Well I thought about it, and for some reason I bet lesbians love falcons. There's something rough and tough about a falcon that makes it seem like an elder lesbian. You can ponder that one though.... and if you have any new vocab for me then feel free to send along.

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9. I'm glad your iphone4 is a piece of crap. Maybe now you can pull your head out of your phone and actually carry on a real face-to-face conversation with someone. Everybody wants to text their lives away over something that could take 30 seconds to accomplish in a phone convo. Well now if you hae a new iphone..... apparently you can't do either! It's time to look at the people around you and tell them hello for once.

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10. Graceville, Florida....... I hate you. There is indeed a traffic light in Graceville, Florida that won't change unless you get out of your vehicle and bribe it to do so. Also convenient about this town is that the only cop down there sits across from the light in a dark spot waiting for impatient souls like mine to run it at 2 a.m. Of all the places this guy could sit in the middle of the night to shoot the bull.... He picks a dark, hidden spot to hide near this garbage red light. Something seems rigged here..... But as he sped down the road catching up to me I politely pulled off into a parking lot and rolled down the window with my license out and ready. He didn'd even get to turn his lights on.....I was proud to take the fun out of it for him. $231 later I am sitting here about to look up driving schools I can attend. I am of course pursuing my doctorate in driving school with a magna cum laude GPA.

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Hope you enjoyed..... See ya next week.

-BS

The List.... 7/8/2010

We all certainly know who this guy is...... Since he is treating today like it's his very own holiday this list is for him.

So let's get the party started shall we?

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1. If LeBron could make his own NBA team and play for himself he would do that. Can we all as a nation quit glorifying this guy? LeBron James..... or "King" as he likes to call himself.... proved to us this week that even ESPN can be cornered into doing something ridiculous. Don't worry... I'll tune in to his special tonight to see where he is headed, and I guess that means LeBron wins. That's something that hasn't happened for him much since the regular season though..... and personally it is funny to see the self-centered "King" with as many NBA championship rings as I have myself.

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2. Lady GaGa is a fad that needs to go away. Her songs don't make sense. I want to know who "Alejandro" is and why Lady/Man is gaga for this mystical person. Maybe I don't know because I didn't pay attention to the entire song. Maybe I just don't care. I would probably side with the latter there, and I agree with the New York Yankees that it (Lady/Man Gaga) should step aside from trying to be a new Marilyn Monroe. Plus..... Gaga, you're just creepy!

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3. Anybody still watching the world cup? I didn't think so.

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4. Lindsay Lohan finally went to jail. Let's all collectively smile at this one. It's complete garbage that she has gotten away with what she has done to this point. I don't even keep up with her, but there is always something. Talk about a fall from grace. Imagine if Lohan played in The Parent Trap now. Sometimes I wish I could live as a lawless individual like Lohan has for years now..... but I think it's bad on the body. Lohan's seen better days when it comes to a mirror. Now there won't be any mirrors around.... Otherwise Bertha from cell block D would probably cut Lohan in the lunch line..... literally.

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5. Hey did you know LeBron's contract is up and he might go to another team? Just checking.

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6. What in the world is Brett Favre doing these days? He's probably going to have to open a Twitter account (if he doesn't have one already) and post some wild stuff on there to get back into the spotlight. Maybe when LeBron let's ESPN out of the Brock Lesnar style choke hold..... We will actually get fair coverage of other stuff going on like the entire sport of baseball. Mix in a few Favre questions between baseball highlights..... that's what NFL off-season is about. I guess I'm old school though.

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7. I wonder what bowl game USC will go to this year? lmao

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8. So far everyone in this list is known for being self-centered and all about themselves. I hope you're catching that theme. Here's one for ya.....

"I don't need too much. Glamour and all that stuff don't excite me. I am just glad I have the game of basketball in my life."

Yeah..... that's a Lebron quote. I'm glad I have the game of basketball in my life too LeBron.

This is the same guy that said..... "I want to be a BILLIONAIRE". Not much glamour in being a billionaire I guess. You know they say the people you least expect to be rich usually are.... Or maybe I've heard that enough to where I believe it now.

I hope the saying of the future will be "You know the guy you always expected to dominate the NBA never did."

Leading me to my next point.......

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9. If LeBron retires without a championship...... Drinks for everybody in America are on me. He'll probably have to throw himself a parade for being a one man, self-proclaimed, greatest of all-time champion though. I just hope the route isn't through Cleveland.... They probably won't like him anymore after he blows them off like a date to watch Eclipse with Precious.

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10. So rounding this one out..... it is only fair to say that LeBron was fun to watch in high school. He's been pretty fun to watch in the NBA as well...... Anything that hyped is bound to fail. If BP put as much effort into cleaning the gulf as LeBron has put into shamelessly promoting himself....... Well the gulf would be spotless right now.

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E-Mail the list at listthis@aol.com....... If there is something you would like to make a future list. If you're a LeBron fan..... sorry.

Until next time friends....... Ben Stanfield